Black Orchid

I had a random thought. I believe that my kid should be given the opportunity to pick his/her own courses that they want to take in Uni. Cause for me, you can do whatever you want in life but at least have one useful degree. But then…….

That decision is made when you are 17.

How mature are you when you were 17? I remembered at 17, I was clueless. My choice was 95% based on what the majority of my family was doing and then I don’t like blood. Thanks goodness I actually liked it. Only now as I am older I find out that I’m interested in other things. Like psychology, flying etc.

So that got me thinking, would my kid know what they want at that age? Or do I just let them do whatever they want to do after high school, like volunteer in Uganda or something for a few years. Once they figure it out, support them. This hustle culture is tiring really.

Idk, I guess, it’d be better if they are in tune with themselves and the world sooner than I am. Then they’d know what they truly want faster. Tho at the same time not feeling entitled. Dang it, raising a kid seems hard.

Am on train to Bandung. Such a good 3 hour ride to have random thoughts. Plus there is a kid on my right that just stares at me 😗 kid, do l look that aneh to you? haha

One thing that is so prominent here in Jakarta is job scarcity. The rich here is super rich, dominated by Chinese community and the poor people are freakin’ poor. Like dirt-taking-scraps poor.

In every taxi that I got in, every receptionist, cleaners that I talk to, the only thing that people sigh about is their cost of living and job market. Sure, I’m not discussing this with my colleague in big corporates here but even for corporate people, they don’t make as much as their counter parts in another country for the same job scope.

If you run down the streets, you can literally see people doing almost anything. At a road junction, people attempt to take tip by stopping traffic on the other end of the road for incoming cars. People singing from hawker stall to hawker stall to get tip from that. People standing in the rain, trying to control parking. Literally, whatever they can get money from. Every time I see them, I feel sad.

One thing that I truly remember was a grab driver said “Janjinya kalau hijrah ke Jakarta dapet rezeki yang lebih tapi malah sama aja. Capek”

How blessed am I? How blessed are us?

I listened to another podcast today and one thing that caught me was the notion of analytical feeler or rational feeler. Rational feelers are people who will suffer the most if there is pain.

It’s people who feels things very deeply but are also objective about it. It’s like a contradiction. I feel things very deeply but I am also very rational.

The rabbit hole that this people go through is “I’m in so much emotional pain right now but let’s be objective, it’s not that bad”. “This is just little, brush it away or man up”

I was one of those people.

But now, I’m learning to feel the pain and move through it instead which is a long term fix.

As time goes by,

Grains of sand piled up onto the wooden sand clock called life,

You will slowly see that its support and intimacy you need,

In any form of relationships,

Family, Romantic and Friendships.

**

To be seen as whole,

Wrecked, broken and full of misery,

but then again accepted in totality

**

Anybody can want and love you when you’re happy,

Full of life,

Kind, compassionate, Carefree,

But what’s harder to find is people who will be with you in your misery.

**

To be a mess,

Figuring life as you go but the person is there with you through it,

To be difficult to deal with,

But have that rock that’s just going to whisk your shit away and come back when you gain your sanity,

**

To be able to tell your deepest fears,

But that person knows it’s just fears,

Not at all the true reflection of your bravery.

**

To be able to share your achievements,

And that person is elated and jumping with happy tears,

Happy that you made it.

**

To be admired,

To be looked at,

To be listened to,

To be understood,

To be able to laugh together genuinely.

To feel safe in one’s energy

**

Intimacy, that’s what it is,

In any form of relationships.

Funny this life is,

Big Man is going to hit you with a sledge hammer,

Zero mercy,

Till you fall to your knees,

Surrendering to His will,

Your arrogance smashed to pieces,

Your pride burn to ashes,

Peace of mind is pretty much non existent,

**

Nothing is at its right place,

Your scrambling for air,

Begging Him to let you breath,

Just a little – you screamed,

Fighting to contain this tears,

It poured anyway disregarding your will,

He ain’t listening,

Is He?

**

All the sad songs make sense,

Chaotic movies give you an escape to reality,

You start prayin’,

Hitting the gym to get back on your feet,

Well at least its what they say you need,

Fake it till you make it,

Whatever that means,

**

For now you just numb it,

With whatever means necessary,

Till the chaos subsides,

And order sets in.

Changing by the day,

Physic,

Personality,

Do you long for stability?

A definitive answer to the question “who are you, really”?”

One day you are A,

The next you are B,

Are we meant to understand our soul?

Are we meant to know our actual personality?

Or are we to accept our evolvability?

Does that mean we’re a hypocrite?

When one day we act like A,

and the next like B?,

Will there be stability?

Are we meant to find it?

Our personality

**

Scholars are making quizzes,

For people to understand themselves a little at least,

I guess it’s a mystery,

For everybody.

Being consumed by the thought of you,

Sweet serendipity,

All of you transports me to the farthest galaxies,

The smell of you,

Like soft comforter washed clean,

The warmth of you,

Like warm summer breeze,

The beauty of you,

Like a perfectly sculpted figurine,

Fibonacci ratio perfectly fits,

The sound of you,

Like beautiful hummingbird singing happily,

Would doing more made it better?

Would fixing me make us still a we?

Initially I blamed it on you,

but maybe it’s me,

but maybe it’s you and me,

I wonder what would’ve happen if we would’ve fix it,

Rather than setting it free,

Could’ve we been happy?

You know what’s the root of suffering?

Red strings.

Tied to a being that’s no longer giving,

Tied to an ending that have no meaning,

Like watering a dead tree and begs it to live.

**

But why don’t we break free?

**

We are beings that’s always hoping,

We are beings that’s controlling,

We are beings that latch on to memories,

We are being that imagines what could be,

We are beings that’s easily pulled into misery,

**

Loosening the grip plunge you into Devil’s Pit,

Breaking free is a recipe to meet Hades,

Healing is another sprint in atoning for your sins,

You’re like an addict,

Withdrawing from the pills.

**

Such weaklings aren’t we,

At the mercy of the red strings,

But the irony is,

That’s what makes humanity.

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