Black Orchid

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything online. Been writing on a paper or in my Day One journal App. I’ve been struggling with feeling too exposed if I post anything online. When you go through a heartbreak and rejection, your self esteem just sky dives. That’s normal I think, you just need to get back on your feet again.

Anyway,

I’m thirty this year. The big three-zero. 3 months in, I feel good about turning 30 actually. All this years of people pleasing are fading. It’s there but slowly washing away. How amazing is that?

I’m starting to fall in love with myself too <3

I love how I like coloring,

I love how I like poetry,

I love how I feel things deeply,

I love how I love to listen to sappy, slow indonesian and english pieces,

I love how I like beaches and how the waves sings,

I love how I care about others and the humanity deeply,

I love how physical art makes me feel free,

I love how wearing skirts and batik makes me feel cosy,

I love how reading books transport me to the farthest galaxies,

I love how I enjoy crime and lawyer based movies & documentaries,

I love how I can’t sleep without a fluffy and soft blanky,

I love how I laugh at almost everything,

I love how despite all of the above I’m logical and very analytical in my thinking,

I love how despite all of that my profession requires me to know coding,

I love how despite all of that I gravitate towards black in everything.

I used to hate me and seek validation externally. It’s been a wonderful journey to get here but I’m glad this is start to a life long process of finally loving and accepting me. One thing I hold dear is, I went to an interview recently, and the interviewer told me, “I love how you have this aura of “this is me, take it or leave it”. As a people pleaser, that’s the highest compliment someone can give. As it shows that I’m finally free.